Blended Families

Step-Families or Blended families are more difficult than some people may think. It’s joining two families with two different ways of life together. Many people think when they get remarried that this time it will work because they learned through the mistakes they made in the first marriage, but very few people change their habits or patterns that lead to disagreements. In other words, they enter a second marriage without making changes to the way they live, act, or communicate and expect a marriage to be easier just because they marriage a new person. Throw children into the mix and a second marriage can become extremely difficult to stay in. Here are somethings to keep in mind with Blended families. 1) It will take a minimum of 2 years for things to start feeling like a “normal” family. 2) The birth parent should do all the heavy discipline. The step-parent should be trying to build a relationship, when heavy discipline is done too early children are more likely to see that parent as an enemy. 3) This is the hardest to do. The step-parent should build a relationship that is similar to that of an awesome/ great aunt or uncle. Again the relation with children need to get built, some do not want a new mom or dad, especially if their biologic mother or father are still living and in their lives. 4) It is always a good idea for couples to council with each other. In Blended families there is a greater need for these councils and they need to happen regularly, especially in the beginning. Through these four ways a Blending family will be able to stay as a family.

Child's Needs

Children have needs and when those needs are not met children use mistaken approaches to try to fulfill their needs. But there are parental responses that can fill those needs as well.

Mistaken Approach	Need	Parental Responses
Undue Attention seeking	Contact/Belonging	Offer Contact Freely Teach them how to belong by contributing
Power struggles Rebellion	Power	The ability to respond (response-ability) Choices + consequences
Revenge	Protection	Assertiveness + forgiveness
Undue avoidance Procrastination	Withdrawal	Take a break
Risk Taking	Challenges	Get involved in skill building

Taken from Michael Popkin's approach, "Active Parenting"

The SnowBall Effect

     There is something called the Debt-Elimination Calendar also sometimes called the snowball effect. This calendar had helped hundreds of people and I hope that it can help you. The calendar is easy to make: down the side of the calendar is the months, while along the top is your debt, such as credit card, furniture, dentist, physician, and auto loan. Start with your lowest debt on the left hand side and the largest debt ending on the right hand side. In the first month write down the monthly bill for each one. Once the lowest debt is payed off take the money/monthly bill that you were paying and add it to the next debt on the list. Then that debt can be paid more quickly. Once that is paid off use that payment plus what you were paying for the first debt to the third debt. It’s amazing how quickly the debt can be shaved off. It’s like a snowball rolling down a hill, it starts out small but becomes bigger and bigger as the snowball rolls.

Love is key

            People in general have the power to influence each other but even more so families. Families can influence each other by making life uncomfortable, withholding affection, withholding support or encouragement, offering support or encouragement, by their requests and demands. The list is endless, with both positive and negative, though most of what I listed is negative. Mostly because I’m thinking about when is the right time to reprove or correct love ones. First of all, it must be done with love and not in anger or in the heat of the moment. Also there is a time and place, and that time and place is not in public or in front of his or her friends. Next it the reproach should be done with precision, don’t beat around the bush or attack their character, focus on the action or issue. Last show an increase love afterwards, no one likes to be told that they are doing something wrong and you want them to know that they are loved that you are not reproaching them because you want to exercising dominion over them. Love is key. 

Coping

The coping of a swimming pool is one of the hardest spots of the swimming pool. The coping is at the top of the pool were the waves hit but it is also the lip of the pool. Most people think that stress is the enemy but without stress there would be no growth. Life is hard and brings opportunities. Coping during and after stress is the small changing we make so thing fix together. We are always going to have stress in our lives, just like we cope swimming pools before the waves of the pool erode the top of the pool also in our lives we should cope ahead. Planning ahead, not being in a rush, and having a support system in place helps us to cope with stress before stress becomes an issue. Remember the Chinese symbol for crisis means danger as well as opportunity.

 In today’s age there are much confusion and many misunderstanding about the nature of sex and how it affects the body and mind. Although I am not a professional by any means I have learned through a Family Relationship Class that sex with intimacy means something. While sex without intimacy brings no joy. What I’m trying to say is that sex within the bounds of marriage is the best way to have intimacy. There is a myth that once a couple marry it is downhill in sex life, when in fact the opposite is true. Couples that are married enjoy sex and sometimes join in the act more frequently. Though fidelity, which means loyalty, being true, and faithful, couples have more intimate lives, live longer, and are happier. 

On average a marriage declines with children. I’m not saying that the couple are miserable but their overall happiness in the marriage declines and flattens with each child and then increase with each child leaving the nest. Again this is an American average not something set in stone. To help fight this average here are some things you and your spouse can do: Let the Father be involved from the get go. Have him come to as many doctor appoints as is possible, especially the ultra-sounds. Life is going to change with a child, so decide what you are going to do if a situation arises beforehand. A child is a lot of work but remember to take some time for each other as well. And as always never stop dating!